Don't Shit Where You Eat

So I'm in the bathroom minding my own business as all males from the age of 4 and on are trained to do. Girls go to the bathroom to socialize, guys go in for one of two reasons: mind your business, do your business, wash your hands and get out. On the floor of the next stall was a pair of black dress shoes with a plate of half-eaten pizza slices accompanying them.

Yes, somebody felt the need to take a plate of pizza with them into the bathroom stall. So I’m trying to mind my business while they’re doing their business and they pick up the plate take some bites and put the plate back down on the floor. Then I hear the noise of them doing their business some more.

First of all, how bad are your stomach problems that you have to eat while sitting on the john? Granted, after three days of doing the Master Cleanse diet I was able to time my bowel movements to within 60 minutes of food intake but 60 seconds just seems a bit ridiculous.

Second, we’re adults. This is no longer Jr. High where not getting an invitation to sit at anyone’s lunch table means your have to go find a payphone booth or bathroom stall to eat in like you’re DJ Tanner. If you’re that much of a loser that you don’t have friends to eat with then eating alone at your cubicle is perfectly acceptable. Why of all places would you choose the stall of a public bathroom where anyone can just walk in, judge you silently and go home to write a blog post about it?

I get that having a high-pressure job means sometimes having to skip lunch in order to attend pointless meetings where we all talk about what a great team we have and manage not to accomplish a single thing. Sometimes it means staying late one evening to finish the work you should have been doing while on Facebook all afternoon or coming in on a weekend because you work with people who take 8 full hours to complete the simplest of tasks and don’t get you your work until the end of the day on a Friday. But how fucking busy are you that you have to eat while on the shitter?

There is no job that is so important that you have to combine your meal breaks with your bathroom breaks. Just ask President Obama, even he gets a break to eat in an actual dining room.

Oh the Shame

So I'm reading Twilight as part of a book club and just to see what all the fuss was about. Never in my days have I ever read a book with such shame. Hiding it under my arm as I go to lunch, putting my water bottle in front of it while I'm reading at the table, the lengths I've gone to in order to hide what I'm reading are astounding. I even considered paper-bag covering it a la 5th grade but no one really gives paper bags anymore since we've all gone "green" and take in our reusable bags. 

What's worse is that I know they won't be having "the sex" in this book. Apparently if they do, Bella will die or become a vampire or realize she's with a moody douche, leave him and go get a spray tan or something. Halfway into it I remembered that it was written by a Mormon woman and aimed at 13 year old girls. This explained the plot and led me to the realization that when I finish this book I'll be left with literary blue balls. You teased me enough to keep me interested for nearly 500 pages but aren't going to give me the big finish. 

When You're There, You're Family

So the last time I was at Olive Garden I got drunk. Not your typical It's Wednesday evening let's have a couple of drinks after work so you get a nice buzz drunk. I'm talking ridiculous Let me tip the waiter boy $20 just because he's cute and it sounds nice drunk.  I managed not to make a complete ass of myself except for the dozen or so times I called the waiter "baby" and woke up the next morning feeling shameful. That was until I was reminded by my friend that when you're at Olive Garden, you're family. And my family is a bunch of drunks.