The Kids Are Not Alright

I recently watched Boogie Nights for the first time in about 10 years. I remember the first time I saw the true star of the movie, the enormous fake peen. My jaw dropped. I was both astounded and horrified all at once because there was no way I would be able to compete with size like that and I feared for the safety of my internal organs if I ever met a man who did. Seeing it now, 10 years later, my reaction was "meh". I wasn't that impressed. I had a vague memory of Marky Mark's love muscle but seeing again after all these years it just didn't live up to the memory I had. What had happa to change the memory of the biggest penis I'd ever seen into "it doesn't have that much girth"?

Internet porn is what had happa.

When I was a teenager seeing strangers' penises wasn't as easy as going to Craigslist, GuysWithiPhones.com or conducting a quick Google search. We had to fight and work hard to find the secret stashes of Playboy magazine's in our friend's garages. Nowadays teenagers simply have to type in a few keystrokes and have access to hundreds of professional porn stars, thousands of amateur videos and more of Paris, Lindsay and Britney's bits than you can shake your stick to. Does this mean that the youth of today will be even more jaded and nonchalant when it comes to sex than I was when I saw Marky Mark Jr? YES.

Let's face it, folks. The children are broken. All you need to do is look at Hannah Montana's cellphone pics, High School Musical's not-so-good girl Vanessa Hudgens' leaked nude photos or The Tyra Banks Show's "Sexting" episode to realize that the kids are not alright. The Jonas Brothers can talk all they want about their purity rings and the fact that they're saving themselves for marriage but when you've got 15-year-old Justin Bieber squeaking about his "First Dance" and promising the girl that he'll be gentle but they've gotta do it slowly, you know some shit is up.

For Christmas, my 8-year-old niece got a singing cheerleader doll. Upon pressing the doll's hand she sung different cheers, one of which being "I wanna see you wiggle it, just a little bit." Being a child of the '80s I remember that verse in a very different context. One that I had no business listening to, much less having it in one of my toys.

If we think teens are oversexed now wait until the cast of Jersey Shore starts procreating. Now those kids will be some hot messes from toddler age. Today's children will be tomorrow's newly developed strains of incurable STD's. If that's who's taking over when I'm gone then I hope the world really does end in 2012 because society would be much better off.

Let's Talk About Salt 'N' Pep

I don't exactly know when my love of Salt 'N' Pepa began. Probably when I first heard "Push It". My best friend, Angelica, and I used to dance to it by pumping our hips forward like we'd seen her older siblings do. I had no clue what exactly Salt 'N' Pepa were pushing, but I knew it was dirty and we were getting away with something. We'd dance around to "Twist and Shout" like only children could: like no one was watching. Dancing and shaking our hips, planning how we would go to one of Salt 'N' Pepa's concerts and be asked to come onstage because of our outstanding dancing skills.

By the time I was in Jr. High and figuring out that my liking of boys was more than just a phase, no song better explained my feelings than "None of Your Business". Living in a tiny town where to this day, if I have a guy over at my house the news will reach my mom's nursing home by the end of the week, there was something empowering about knowing that when I grew up I could do whatever I wanted. Damned be what other people think of me because if I do wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it really is none of anyone's business.

When a pre-Dirrty Christina Aguilera was just starting her stint on the Mickey Mouse Club, Salt 'N' Pepa were already in bikinis rolling around in mud and had hot, less-than-half-dressed men dancing in a boxing ring. That video was among the first I ever saw when we started getting MTV. I remember bringing it up to my classmates and hearing how they thought it was the nastiest thing they'd ever seen and hated it. The first clues to myself that I was not meant for this little town but a larger city where dancing around with half-naked men was just a regular Tuesday.

When VH1 debuted "The Salt 'N' Pepa Show" I was ecstatic. I prayed that this show would relaunch their careers to a whole other generation and bring about the reunion and subsequent reunion tour. Hell, if the Spice Girls and the New Kids on the Block could do it, why couldn't the greatest female rap group of all time? If I can see Salt 'N' Pepa perform live before I die then my life will truly be complete. I can go to my grave with Salt 'N' Pepa's Greatest Hits playing at my funeral with the knowledge that I truly lived. I was saddened when it wasn't brought back for a second season but I now have new found hope with tomorrow's debut of "Let's Talk About Pep".

I've done my best to try and pass on my love of Salt 'N' Pepa to the next generation, namely my three nieces. The 13-year-old recognizes Salt 'N' Pepa songs and knows them as songs her mom and I used to dance to growing up. I'm working on teaching the 3-year-old the chorus to "Shoop" and the 8-year-old is a child after my own heart. On our last family camping trip I taught her the Running Man, the Cabbage Patch and the Roger Rabbit. She danced to the songs of my childhood like a true child of the '80s and at that moment I was the proudest uncle who ever lived.

Like everyone else, so many of my childhood memories revolve around the songs I'd listen to growing up. Salt 'N' Pepa probably have the biggest part in the soundtrack of my life. I think my love of Salt 'N' Pepa can best be described the way my mom described God to me when I was a kid.

There was no beginning. There is no end. It just always is.

29

After much thought, consideration, prayer, near emotional breakdowns and alcohol I have decided to embrace the fact that today I am 29. I considered staying at 28 for a while like I did with 22. I turned 22 for three years in a row. No, this doesn't mean I'm actually 31, I truly am 29 today. It says born in 1981 right there on my birth certificate.

Growing up I had all these goals and aspirations I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30 and had planned on settling down, becoming an adult and having children. I wanted to become Robin (of Batman & Robin). I wanted to be married to my first true love, Jonathan Knight of the New Kids on the Block. I wanted to travel to Greece and ride around on vespa. I wanted to tour the world as one of Britney Spears' backup dancers. I wanted to live in a Manhattan loft with a bunch of crazy roommates a la Friends-style. I wanted to be the youngest Latino to own his own Details-eque magazine called Caballero.

While I am nowhere near ready to fly to some second or third-world country and come back with a brown baby of my very own there are several things I would like to accomplish before I turn 30. I'm not calling them my New Year's resolutions because that's just setting them up for failure. They're more of a bucket list for turning 30. They're my 2010 goals.


1. Lose 60 lbs.
Yes, it's a very high number but the one time I was on a diet I managed to lose 35 lbs. in about 6 months so I think 60 lbs. in 12 months is doable. As I stated before, 2010 is my Madonna year, The Reinvention Year. You can't reinvent something without a massive body overhaul.

To my IRL* folks, feel free to call me out on my frappuccino intake. There is no need for me to be drinking that many and truth be told I'm sure they're what started my 50 lb. weight gain from high school through college. I will no longer be a slave to their deliciousness. If you see me eating a slice of pizza just knock it out of my hands. Unless of course I've been doing really good on my diet, am having a bad day and give you the "bitch, I'm grown" look. In that case, I'll most likely punch you in the mouth because you just wasted some damn good pizza.

2. Move out of Soledad.
29 years is 11 too many. Brooklyn 2010 is happening. There is no doubt. Can you feel the excitement?

3. Sing karaoke.
While my at-home Wii karaoke skills can't be touched by my friends I feel it's time to branch out and let the world at large be exposed to my tone-deafness. It's not fair that only a select few have heard Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" sung in my drunken splendor.

4. Travel outside of the country (preferably other than Mexico).
I have a brand new shiny passport just waiting for the day I meet Jonathan Knight in person and he flies me off to Greece for a romantic week-long getaway of vespa riding and shenanigating. If that doesn't come through then I have friends in Canada I'd like to go visit.

5. Go on a date.
Apparently there is this thing that some people in society do where you don't just pick someone up, take them home or to the nearest empty parking lot and kick them out when you're done. I plan on researching this so-called "dating" and reporting my findings on this blog.

Hooking up with exes will no longer be allowed in 2010 either. Well I mean except that one and he doesn't really count as an "ex".

6. Write more.
Book deals are being given out to just anyone nowadays. I need to step up my game and have a book written in 2010 before all the good book deals run out. My goal is to write one blog post a week and by the end of the year have enough good ones to have a book put together. I'll be the gay Brooklyn version of Carrie Bradshaw.

7. Learn to sew/play the guitar/skateboard/skate/ice skate.
I have the sewing machine that my mom made the majority of my baby clothes on that needs fixing. I have a free guitar I received that needs new strings. I've always wanted to learn to at least keep my balance on a skateboard. I need to be ready for next winter when I go ice skating in Rockefeller Center on a date. I may not get all of these complete this year but I need to at least give it an honest effort and learn one of them.

8. Master one move on a pole.
Yes, I know. An overweight gay man probably has no business learning pole dancing moves but a friend of mine has one in her living room and when she was teaching me I was never able to spin all the way around. I'm determined to go back and learn to do it right. Plus, refer back up to Goal #1 and this goal should be less awkward.

Also, in the event that Obama doesn't fully fix this recession we're in, having extra skills on your resume is always a plus. You gotta make that extra money wherever you can. In the words of the great poet Trina, the Diamond Princess, "STACK THAT PAPER!"

9. Become a blonde.
At the end of each summer I always wish I'd remembered that the last summer I wanted to see what it would be like to become a blonde. This year I'd like to test out the theory that blondes have more fun.

10. Do something new.
Granted this one is pretty ambiguous and the majority of the goals on this list fit into this category but I still want to do something I've never done before that isn't in the above 9. I'm not sure what it is and probably won't until I'm in the middle of doing it but when I do it it will be spectacular.


So Happy 29th Birthday to me and let's get ready to end my 20's with a bang because as of today, Dirty 30 is right around the corner.


*In Real Life - for the Interwebz-speak deficient.



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Better Than Your Boyfriend Ever Could

So it's been decided that 2010 will be my Madonna Year: The Reinvention Year. In an effort to increase my already mad sexiness or lack thereof I've been thinking about what exactly makes good swagger and who has it? Hell, even the 300 lb boy on TLC's One Big Happy Family claims to have good swagger, but that's not exactly the type of swagger I'm looking for. What exactly qualifies as good swagger and how does one acquire it?

I've been listening to the new Robin Thicke album, Sex Therapy, lately and it is filled with prime grade-A examples of mad sexiness and good swagger. This blue-eyed soul boy's album is dripping with sex appeal and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he ended up on Dr. Drew's Sex Rehab season 12. His music makes grown women who were raised properly want to act like they didn't have a father and shake their asses on a pole.

I want to have that power.

On the track "Make U Love Me", Robin threatens to show us how it feels when it's good and do it "better than your boyfriend ever could". There's even a track called "Shakin' It 4 Daddy" that clearly needs no further explanation.

Justin Timberlake is another good example of a man having good swagger. Once he moved past the cornrows and full denim suits from his *Nsync days he grew up to be quite the sexy man. His swagger is so great that it actually has the power to make bitches go crazy. Look at Britney Spears, she went full on nuts when she no longer had access to Justin's Trousersnake. And what about Cameron Diaz? Where's she been? It took almost 2 years after her breakup with Mr. SexyBack to start showing up in movies again. I don't know that anyone watched them but it's nice that she's trying.

On Timbaland's "Carry Out" Justin asks if it's "full of myself to want you full of me" and then later asks if we like it well-done cause he does it well.

So what exactly is it about these men makes thousands of women and men want to throw themselves at them? And why hasn't it been bottled and mass-produced so that I can buy it?